I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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