WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
