someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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