I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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