I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
