I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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