im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
