I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.