Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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