My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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