So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
