my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
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