I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
