you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
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Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
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As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Liz is crying about burritos again.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.