I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home