Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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