I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Randomize
