I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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