Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
