1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
