She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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