I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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