And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
