Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
