did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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