Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Randomize
