i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
