textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
