dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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