He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
