good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
