Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
