how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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