I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
