remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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