I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
