it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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