I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
