I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
