Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i already hear my dad disowning me
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
