I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
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you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
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I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
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