I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
