She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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