I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
