Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
