I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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