no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
