I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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