I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
