If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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