Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
