paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Just high enough for therapy.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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