Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
