I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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