there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
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she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
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We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.