I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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