ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Randomize
