i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I DEMAND FORESKIN
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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